Living and Dying By Grace
An Interview by Ann Savino

The terminally ill go through the process of dying, undergoing vast changes physically, emotionally and spiritually. All those who are connected with the person may also go through this process. It can be a tremendously healing time for all involved, even through the sorrow and grief of the dying process. Death teaches us that we must let go and face the fact that we are not in control of our lives but are all here living in a state of grace; and that a force far greater than ourselves is in charge of our lives and our deaths.

I recently spoke with a hospice worker about her observations of what the terminally ill and their families and friends go through as they transition from the physical world into the spiritual world. Most of the work that she does is actually with the families involved since the person who is dying is usually on pain medication and may not be conscious a good amount of the time. She looks at where the needs are in each situation whether that is emotional support, getting connected to community resources, helping get all the legalities and business taken care of or spiritual nurturing.

When she starts working with a family she enters their home and does not get involved with the emotional crisis going on. She stays objective and assesses the situation to see where each family’s needs are. Where are they stuck? This is the area she focuses on because this is what they need help with in order to get through this process. A lot of emotional issues come up; past unresolved issues between family members, forgiveness, the roles each person plays in each others life. She tries to bring joy and laughter to the family while also allowing each person to feel what they feel. Even in times of great emotional distress, you can simply be in the present and let amusement run through you. She also works with relaxation techniques for both the person who is dying and their families. It is quite therapeutic because it brings them down to a deep and calm vibration within themselves, where they can disconnect from the intensity of the situation and get grounded. She stressed the importance of relaxation in these situations because it helps bring people’s anxiety levels down so they can deal with the situation less reactively. As people relax, it becomes easier to let go and flow with the process instead of fighting it. And it is also in this state of relaxation, when we calm the mind and emotions, that we connect with the Comforter, which is our own connection with our Source.

One of her main observations was that the dying process has the potential to create a healing for all of those involved. The whole family is blessed and surrounded with incredible amounts of grace and love during the death process. This vibration is almost palpable like a bath of love surrounding everyone. It is an opportunity for family members to have a shift in perception in how they see themselves and others. All the personality level consciousness fades away; things like still being mad at your parents because they didn’t approve of who you dated, married, the course your life took, etc. And what is left is the love you have for each other, really the original agreement as spiritual beings you had for sharing your lives together. She observes that the person who is dying wants those they love to be healed, to be the best person they can be, in short, to be happy with their lives. They are not focused on what is wrong with their loved ones; they are focused on the beauty within each of them. And they want that to be experienced and brought out and for their lives to be lived fully. The dying are most concerned with the well-being of their families.

The death process is a very fertile time for healing what is wounded within. People are already cracked open and it becomes very obvious what issues they are stuck on. These stuck “pictures” are easy to resolve in both the dying person and their families if they are surrendering to God’s will because of the situation. They are letting go emotionally of what they used to hold inside of themselves. This is the state where healing can take place. How open they are to the healing comes down to how open they are to what God is bringing to them in this situation. Those who can let go receive the greatest healing. Her observations are that people die the way they lived. If they were strong-willed and had to have things their own way, they may be more controlling towards the end of their life, making sure things are up to their standards before letting go.

She shared some stories of healings she saw happen within families going through the dying process. One woman always played the role of the responsible one, the one who was in charge and took care of business. There was a disagreement between two family members about a legal document and they were fighting to change it. It turned tense and the roles each person had with the other became magnified. The hospice worker brought this to their attention and the woman who was in charge let go of the situation and unhooked from the pattern she had in the way she related to her family. As she let go of the old role, the situation healed itself and she was free from a lifetime of having to uphold that role. She was able to go with the flow of the situation and the whole family came together instead of being divided.

Another situation she shared with me was a family whose father was dying. The father had come close to death many times but was lingering on. The son as a result of the great emotional pain he was going through expressed to her that the father should just die already. The hospice worker tuned into the fact that the son did not want his father to die and was not ready to let him go. Oftentimes, she said that is what she focuses on with the families she is working with, which person is not ready to let go of their loved one because their emotional need keeps the dying person around longer because they can sense that need.

She spoke to the son and told him that she did not believe he was ready to let go of his father. She told him to just look at where he was at with that in order to get him out of denial so he could let go. Next she applied a spiritual healing practice and addressed the father within her mind because he was unconscious. She intuitively saw that he didn’t know how to die. She asked him who was on the other side for him to go to. She instructed him to reach out to somebody that he loved that had already passed over, so they could help guide him into the spiritual world. When she went to the family home the next day, the father had passed over.
She has had many psychic experiences while working with the dying. A common experience that she related was feeling the patient in the room where all the relatives are gathered even though their body is in another room. She also related that even if the person is unconscious, that they are aware of what is going on with their family and home and business matters. They will be tuned into this and express knowledge of what is happening even though they have no conscious way of knowing this.

Another common experience she related was watching the person dying talking to or seeing someone who has already passed away. People who are dying commonly see relatives or people who were closest to them who are coming to help usher them to the other side. It brings them comfort to be in the presence of these loved ones. They will refer to their loved ones sitting in a chair in the room or standing by them. The hospice worker says that many times, she feels their presence as well. One woman who was dying said her husband was sitting in his favorite chair waiting for her. Another woman who was dying said she saw children everywhere. Another woman saw a few animals around her.

The hospice worker also related to feeling the dying person’s presence after they have passed on. She said she has received many thank you’s from them afterwards. She related that she felt the presence of a man who had passed on and clearly heard him ask her what he could do for her now. She had helped him a lot and now he wanted to give her something in return. She also related another story where she had to put a dying man into a nursing home during his last days because he needed round-the-clock care. He had been angry with her and was not in agreement with going to the nursing home. While at his funeral, she apologized to him for having to put him in the nursing home. She heard him say, “You did what you had to do.”

There is more to the process of dying than just the physical. Families and friends go through shock, denial, fear, pain, sadness, anger and finally acceptance. When it is the person’s time to no longer be in their physical body, most families have accepted this, even if filled with immense sorrow to lose their loved one. However, through this process, the love that people share is affirmed and that is what survives in each of our hearts. For the terminally ill, the blessing that they get to experience is having their funeral before they actually die. People come to them and tell them the difference they made in their lives. They share things that maybe were insignificant or forgotten about completely, but how that small act of caring helped somebody change their perception, or solve a problem. People say thank you for being in my life. The dying person gets to receive what they put out in their life. This can be a huge gift because maybe somebody who is dying has regret about some area of their life, but a loved one comes along and says, “I think you’re great. You helped me in so many ways.” Even if the person is not conscious, they can hear it. They can feel the emotional love and sincerity being expressed. And for those who are left behind, it is much better to say what you have to say, no matter what it is, before someone leaves your life.

Finally, the death process is all about love. Even through pain, suffering and sorrow, what we are left with is love, and what we take with us to the other side is love. And that is what is lasting and eternal.