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The Emotional Closet

By Ann Savino

I had an experience in trance recently that showed me that what is stored in our subconscious mind has an enormous influence in our present because it acts as a filter that we tend to see through. This filter makes us see through the eyes of the past rather than seeing what is plainly in front of us. When this filter is so thick that it distorts our perceptions of the present, we call this mental illness or believing in what is not there. When this filter is not so thick, we call it the human experience where pain, loss and suffering are ingredients in our life experience. This happens because we have our minds cocked in a deceptive way that creates expectations that are not realistic to the situation, like expecting a fish to come out of the water and walk or expecting another human being to demonstrate behavior they are not capable of.

During a trance session, I saw a picture in my space that had a lot of energy built up on it. It had to do with the nervous breakdown I had when I was 18. My realizations about this experience through the years showed me that the nervous breakdown happened because I had thrown my energy away and turned to men, sex and supposedly love as a way of feeling that I was a worthy person.

The real effect of having these modern, disposable relationships was that I got packed with other people's energy that was like a wall between me and the spiritual identity that was truly my own before the foundation of the world. This energy was made up of other people's emotions, expectations and earthly mis-information on how I should run my life. I experienced extreme doubt and did not trust my own information at all as a result of this.

The stored memories revealed in trance were that my father had heart attack the same summer I had a nervous breakdown. I experienced deep-rooted guilt that the misuse of my sexual energy had caused his heart attack. I saw that this emotion coated my information about my sexuality so that when I got involved in an intimate relationship, I was always trying to heal the man and make up for this unspeakable act I had committed. I saw because there was such a primal fear and shame attached to this, that it had blocked me from taking control over the problems that this situation created. Namely, that I was a doormat in my relationships because I felt I deserved it and had to make restitution. The funny part about this is that I had no conscious idea that I held the belief that I had caused my father's heart attack. It also held me in bondage to the past while I was in a present relationship. I could only see my role in relationships through the eyes of a young girl who was shocked and out of her right mind, attracting other people to me that also had low self-esteem and were never in their mind to begin with.

This experience helped me to release these pent-up emotions and brought to my attention that these mental image pictures even existed. I was amazed that an experience that had happened over 15 years ago was still having such a profound effect in my present life. I was shocked that the belief in my subconscious mind was that I had caused my father's heart attack. Isn't that what young children believe? That they cause their parent's divorce, death, etc.? It made me see that even though our bodies grow up, emotionally we lag so far behind and that is because we are never taught to use our minds correctly. We are taught through our robotic school systems and false system of morals and ethics to become less of ourselves as we grow up. Our own original information as a spiritual being connected to the Source is covered over by the psychic dirt of limited thinking.

After having this experience, I realized that it is vital let the light into our minds to see what is stored in there. Because if you do not, you will always be reacting to situations because you are not seeing what is there, but are seeing through that filter of stored emotional experiences that colors our clear sight. If left untouched, these stored emotional experiences will at best lead us into a life of dreary monotony where we recreate what our parents did with their lives because we are not in touch with our own information to create something different; and at worst, lead us to destroy ourselves inside or out because these experiences program the subconscious mind to make sure we always fail because it believes we have to. 

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